Haven’t posted in a while, which means my once a month streak posting on this blog has ended at almost 8 years. But I guess that tells you about how life is for me these days. I’m going to be honest, I’m feeling frustrated and I guess a little burnt out. I haven’t had much time to really withdraw to myself in a while, and I feel like a lot of things in my life are suffering because of it: my penchant for learning, my creative side and just my level of fatigue. I guess I take being an introvert to an extreme.
During this time I’ve decided to take a step back from the guitar for a bit. I’ve read that taking a break as a creative can be a good thing. I haven’t really stopped playing, but I’m not playing as much as I have been in the past. In a way it’s sort of liberating, having that stress of trying to find time to play removed and just focusing on other things that make me happy. So we’ll see how that goes.
All I really want out of life is to engage in what I’m passionate about. Music and sports. My career to an extent. And trying to get better as a person, maybe a little wiser by the end of the day. Sometimes that comes at a price with the relationships I have, but I’ve sort of accepted that possibility. It’ll happen, and I guess going down this path you shouldn’t be afraid of that. But it’s dawning on me that I’m not a young man any more. I’m 29 now, but I still feel – and act – as if I’m 25. Things are changing too fast in this life right now, and I’m not sure what the future’s going to look for me.
It’s been a little over a month since I started my new job. A little crazy at first, but I think things are starting to settle down now, which is nice because it feels like I’m always on my feet and never really taking a break at all. And I’m not complaining. It’s what I wanted from what I consider to be an ideal job. I’m still looking for challenges in my life and not really ready to be comfortable just yet. But at the same time, I feel like I can stop flooring the gas pedal for a bit. Not exactly coast, but kind of just focus my energies on other things besides trying to fight it out. I think I got that out of my system, now it’s just time for me to shift gears and try to be better as a person. I’m just glad that I don’t have to worry about my career for a little while.
I guess this is my long winded way of saying, that I feel like I’m in a good place in my life again. Things seem to be working out. And if you asked me a year or two ago whether I would feel this way again, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here we are.
Unlike years past, I spent my birthday pass with the woman instead. We had a wonderful dinner that she set up, followed by an interesting experience in an Escape Room, which was a first for both of us. We ended the night by indulging in one of her home made cakes that she made, and then fell asleep on the couch soon after. It’s been a strange birthday for me, unusual in of itself because the week leading up to it was surreal. I got an offer to work at a well established organization doing HR work, which only happened after my boss gave her blessing for me to move on – and also offering up a reference. I don’t remember a year where my birthday ended up being this good. But here we are. I feel like a life event like this deserves a more articulate post given the nature of what’s happened, but words sort of escape me in describing just how happy I am.
Much like the year before it, 2015 was a weird duck of a year for me. The only difference is from the start it began really well, got even better, then tailed off and sort of nose dived near the end. Now a month into the new year, I’m still not sure what’s going to happen. My work contract is coming up and things remain uncertain for now. I’m still trying to get back on track personally since I started school and – yikes – I’m going to be 29 in less than a week.
This past week hasn’t been the greatest. I was stressed out about work and heading into the weekend I tried to re-orient myself and figure out what I was going to do. But I think going to church today helped. I felt recharged, rejuvenated and ready to face the week ahead. There was a calm that came over me this afternoon, and while it doesn’t do anything for me in terms of the situation, it at least gave me perspective, that whatever happened things were going to be OK. When I look back at 2014, arguably the most tumultuous year of my life, and how I managed to get out of that alive, that yes, things will work out. Maybe not for a while, but that’s OK. In life, sometimes we have to accept that we gotta fight it out for a little while before we reach that point where we don’t have to anymore.
After a frenzied 4 day Christmas long weekend, I spent the last 24 hours of it trying to catch my breath, most of it by myself. Not such a bad thing when you consider I’ve been out of the house for much of these last few days, so dedicating a day to being a loner was a very attractive plan today. One of the things I wanted to do was catch up on my running, which I haven’t done nearly as much as I wanted to since September.
It’s not very often I get to spend a great deal of time outdoors running these days. Work gets in the way of scheduling a run at a decent hour after work, and with the way things are going, I feel way too drained coming home to even mount a serious session like I used to. I’m not enjoying what I’m doing, and I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. I tell myself it’s a start, but it’s hard to stay grounded when several of my classmates seemed to have fast tracked their way into where I want to be career wise. I’ve been trying to find a new job for a while, and I’ve had a few interviews but nothing so far has stuck. I hope I find something.
I haven’t really been feeling myself lately. Again, maybe it’s the job thing (it’s an easy excuse to make), but I haven’t really been doing the same things I used to before I left my last job and went back to school. My running has suffered and so have my other hobbies. It just doesn’t feel the same.
But maybe my approach hasn’t been the best. Maybe I need to just suck it up for a bit longer and then see what’s out there. I know I’m not long for the job I’m doing any ways, so might as well make the best of it while I’m there, get some exposure to new things and gain some references while I’m at it. Don’t worry about everyone else. Spend my energy elsewhere, like trying to be a better dude. I know I’ve got work to do. I’m not the person that I want to be, but I feel like I’m getting there, and at my age I guess that’s a victory worth celebrating. I guess this is what they meant by fighting it out when you’re in your 20s.
I ran for a little over 2 hours late this evening. It’s amazing how much you can figure out about your life during that time.
I haven't been feeling like myself these days. Maybe it's the weather, or the Blue Jays playing like dog crap today, but I'm trying to recapture the person that I was earlier this year. I just don't know how. I feel like I'm worrying too much again. Worrying about my career and where it's going and what will become of it down the road. Granted it's only been a month since I started working at my current gig, but there's an uneasiness to all this. Maybe it's because my expectations are so high and that all the sacrifices I've made to get to this point won't amount to anything. I've got a lot of insecurities that I need to keep under wraps, but for now I just need to pray about it and keep moving.