The first week on the job is coming to a close, and so far I'm not as excited nor relaxed as I thought I would be when you land your first job out of school. Maybe it's because this is my second 'first job' out of school and the excitement is gone. Despite the elusiveness that comes with landing on one's own feet, I haven't felt very content. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm taking things for granted again. After all this is supposed to be my foot in the door, and not everyone gets a home run on their first job in their careers. But I don't know. Maybe this is something I should continue to pray for and let the higher powers that be take care of.
They’re all bold as love
Solo John Mayer with just his Strat is beyond glorious.
I went up to Mt. Seymour at 4 in the morning with Ags and some friends to catch the sunrise this past weekend. It’s been an up and down sort of month for me, but being in the middle of nowhere while seeing life just unfold in front of us re-energized me in a way that I haven’t experience in some time. I woke up today feeling inspired and hopeful with some sense of clarity heading into the week.
That 1000 yard stare
Things aren't really going my way right now, and I'm not sure what else I need to do other than endure before things start to finally work out. I don't know whether I'm being impatient or unrealistic, but I just want something to happen. What do I have to do?
Agnes and I started up a new Tumblr blog where we write about all the gross couples things we do together. It's called Mung Mungy, and if you're into reading that sort of stuff then you might like it. So, yeah. Go now.
Some random musings:
- I hope this doesn't become a common theme for future posts, but I get restless whenever I find myself unemployed. Granted it's only been a month since I graduated, I remember all too fondly what I went through after coming out of university. Some of my friends have insisted that I should treat this as being 'fun-employed' and I guess, when you're in your early-mid 20s it's not such a bad thing. But at this point in my life, I just want to get on with it.
- Speaking of common themes, I hope I don't format my posts like this in point form again. Unfortunately, these days there's more quantity than quality when it comes to introspective talking points.
- On the other hand, I've been pretty constructive with my time off. Spent some time getting back into my normal running schedule again, playing more music – which was an important goal for me post-grad – and started reading more recreationally. I figure if I'm going to have an entire day to myself for long stretches, I might as well use that time to keep the body and mind fresh.
- I was at the wedding the other day, and the plus one was one of the bridesmaids for her best friend. Walking down that isle, it reminded me again of how lucky I was and just how insanely crazy this year has been. We all need moments like these to reaffirm how blessed we are in life sometimes, and that it really is out of our control.
One last time under ‘School’
It's been almost two weeks since my last exam from school, with my professional designation exam coming up in a couple of days that I feel extremely ill-prepared for right now. After that begins the job search, which if past experience is of any indication, should be plenty of fun. I feel like I'm entering yet another phase of my life that I can't really seem to figure out how it will go from here on out. I don't know if life's supposed to be like this, weaving in and out of what's comfortable with the kind of life events that seem to shake the very foundation of what was familiar to me.
A few years ago I would have embraced any sort of chaos being introduced in my life. I wanted to feel as if I was continuously getting better both as a person and in whatever professional endeavours I wanted to pursue, and believing that living while scraping by for that dream you had was part of the hustle.
I don't feel that way anymore. It never occurred to me until recently how much I want things to settle down. I don't want to feel as if I'm fighting through life anymore. For once, I want to know that I'm on the right path this time.
It'll be a bittersweet moment when I walk across that stage in two weeks. I'll be saying farewell to people that I've shed blood and tears with during many long nights, but it's onwards to seeking that home life I never knew I wanted.
After a lengthy battle with Alzheimers, we laid our Grandma to rest yesterday in a small ceremony that brought together our immediate family and those that had known her before the disease took over.
I was asked to prepare a short speech at her funeral, which I immediately recoiled upon hearing the request: how do you simplify someone's life in a few short words, much less your Grandma? Why was I chosen to do it?
I was not as close to her as some of her other grand children. Unlike my cousin's experiences growing up, she never stayed over at our house – ours was way too small – and at times it was hard for me to communicate with her. But growing up, we did see her every week. I was also reminded by my relatives of the fact that being her eldest grand child meant a lot to her, and that she would have been happy if I did it.
The task was daunting to me and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do it at first. I had to ask myself if I was really capable of doing this, and whether I was able to do it justice for her. But after reading other people's experiences in delivering eulogies, being asked to deliver something like this should be treated as a gift, not simply a deed which you must complete at the behest of the ones asking. That hesitation turned to determination.
Even a day after the funeral, I still worry about it. Did I say everything that should have been said? Did I spend enough time on it? What did people think? What would she have thought? I remind myself that in the end, the only people that really matter is my family and my Grandma. Everyone else shouldn't matter at all.
Goodbye, Po Po.
…so that happened.
I never thought I'd feel this way again, but here we are. It's the kind of thing that keeps you up at night, for both the good and bad reasons. I don't know what to make of it right now, but I'll try not and not get too far ahead of myself this time around. Because things happen, and where this takes me, I'll try and enjoy the moments as they come.
"See what a man you can make of me."