Much like the year before it, 2015 was a weird duck of a year for me. The only difference is from the start it began really well, got even better, then tailed off and sort of nose dived near the end. Now a month into the new year, I’m still not sure what’s going to happen. My work contract is coming up and things remain uncertain for now. I’m still trying to get back on track personally since I started school and – yikes – I’m going to be 29 in less than a week.
This past week hasn’t been the greatest. I was stressed out about work and heading into the weekend I tried to re-orient myself and figure out what I was going to do. But I think going to church today helped. I felt recharged, rejuvenated and ready to face the week ahead. There was a calm that came over me this afternoon, and while it doesn’t do anything for me in terms of the situation, it at least gave me perspective, that whatever happened things were going to be OK. When I look back at 2014, arguably the most tumultuous year of my life, and how I managed to get out of that alive, that yes, things will work out. Maybe not for a while, but that’s OK. In life, sometimes we have to accept that we gotta fight it out for a little while before we reach that point where we don’t have to anymore.
After a frenzied 4 day Christmas long weekend, I spent the last 24 hours of it trying to catch my breath, most of it by myself. Not such a bad thing when you consider I’ve been out of the house for much of these last few days, so dedicating a day to being a loner was a very attractive plan today. One of the things I wanted to do was catch up on my running, which I haven’t done nearly as much as I wanted to since September.
It’s not very often I get to spend a great deal of time outdoors running these days. Work gets in the way of scheduling a run at a decent hour after work, and with the way things are going, I feel way too drained coming home to even mount a serious session like I used to. I’m not enjoying what I’m doing, and I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. I tell myself it’s a start, but it’s hard to stay grounded when several of my classmates seemed to have fast tracked their way into where I want to be career wise. I’ve been trying to find a new job for a while, and I’ve had a few interviews but nothing so far has stuck. I hope I find something.
I haven’t really been feeling myself lately. Again, maybe it’s the job thing (it’s an easy excuse to make), but I haven’t really been doing the same things I used to before I left my last job and went back to school. My running has suffered and so have my other hobbies. It just doesn’t feel the same.
But maybe my approach hasn’t been the best. Maybe I need to just suck it up for a bit longer and then see what’s out there. I know I’m not long for the job I’m doing any ways, so might as well make the best of it while I’m there, get some exposure to new things and gain some references while I’m at it. Don’t worry about everyone else. Spend my energy elsewhere, like trying to be a better dude. I know I’ve got work to do. I’m not the person that I want to be, but I feel like I’m getting there, and at my age I guess that’s a victory worth celebrating. I guess this is what they meant by fighting it out when you’re in your 20s.
I ran for a little over 2 hours late this evening. It’s amazing how much you can figure out about your life during that time.
I haven't been feeling like myself these days. Maybe it's the weather, or the Blue Jays playing like dog crap today, but I'm trying to recapture the person that I was earlier this year. I just don't know how. I feel like I'm worrying too much again. Worrying about my career and where it's going and what will become of it down the road. Granted it's only been a month since I started working at my current gig, but there's an uneasiness to all this. Maybe it's because my expectations are so high and that all the sacrifices I've made to get to this point won't amount to anything. I've got a lot of insecurities that I need to keep under wraps, but for now I just need to pray about it and keep moving.
The first week on the job is coming to a close, and so far I'm not as excited nor relaxed as I thought I would be when you land your first job out of school. Maybe it's because this is my second 'first job' out of school and the excitement is gone. Despite the elusiveness that comes with landing on one's own feet, I haven't felt very content. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm taking things for granted again. After all this is supposed to be my foot in the door, and not everyone gets a home run on their first job in their careers. But I don't know. Maybe this is something I should continue to pray for and let the higher powers that be take care of.
I went up to Mt. Seymour at 4 in the morning with Ags and some friends to catch the sunrise this past weekend. It’s been an up and down sort of month for me, but being in the middle of nowhere while seeing life just unfold in front of us re-energized me in a way that I haven’t experience in some time. I woke up today feeling inspired and hopeful with some sense of clarity heading into the week.
Things aren't really going my way right now, and I'm not sure what else I need to do other than endure before things start to finally work out. I don't know whether I'm being impatient or unrealistic, but I just want something to happen. What do I have to do?
Agnes and I started up a new Tumblr blog where we write about all the gross couples things we do together. It's called Mung Mungy, and if you're into reading that sort of stuff then you might like it. So, yeah. Go now.