Faded like your name on those jeans that I burned

My mom along with my aunt and uncles had cleaned out the last of what was inside my late grandpa's house for a good part of the month. After years of holding onto the property, they decided to sell the place. Within the next few days, they'll be handing the keys and what was left of their childhood home over to a buyer whom we know very little of. I stopped by earlier this month to collect what was left of my grandpa's estate: expensive dishes and Chinese memorabilia that he had collected over time, and shared a box of chicken with the family over lunch that acted as a final farewell to a place that we all grew up in.

Moments like these seem to constantly remind myself of my increasing vulnerability the older I get, and the realization that not only things, but even moments won’t last forever. These experiences, born from these moments are what we should be holding onto, or so says the advice we’re given throughout our youth. But after a while, I sometimes question whether there is much value in these things beyond reflecting upon those “good ol’ days.”

It’s been a challenge personally to grasp the amount of change that has been going on in my life recently. Despite the numerous relationships and connections that I still maintain – and am forever grateful for – there is still a sense of loneliness that I feel as I continue on this journey of trying to reconcile these changes.

Posted: November 29th, 2017
Categories: Life
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Something’s missing

Something’s missing, and I have a feeling I know what it is.

Posted: May 8th, 2017
Categories: Late Night Blurbs, Life
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Untitled

I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve got a couple of drafts that show I’ve tried starting something, but ultimately they never do leave the draft box. Part of that reason is because it’s become harder to express myself through writing now, and it may have been due to the fact that I just haven’t been writing enough as an exercise to maintain that flow I once had. But also, I’ve discovered other interesting mediums to express myself, such as photography and expanding my musical ambitions. I’ve also come to have a better grasp of myself emotionally, which was one of the main reasons why I blogged as often as I did. I didn’t have much of an outlet for what I was feeling, and these past few years I’ve been able to get a better handle of the kind of person I am, and knowing how to better harness my emotions. When you get older, some things get easier I suppose.

But getting older is something I’ve been trying to come to grips with lately. I turned 30 not too long ago. Age never really bothered me these past few years. I still felt youthful, and in a way I still do, but I stop to look around, things feel vastly different than years past. It feels as if the world is moving without me, that this new post-millennial generation has begun taking over this struggle I – and others in my age – once had. I feel overlooked at times due to my age. My fear is finding out that my identity was tied to my youth. For some time, I yearned for the days where the need to ‘fight it out’ would come to an end, but when I grow old, if the fight is over, what is left?

However, the one thing I can appreciate about being old is the fact that I am much more certain as a person. In many ways, I’ve become bolder, more sure of my actions and beliefs, and despite my struggle to accept the fact that aging is inevitable, there is a strange sense of optimism that continues to guide me. That’s the one thing I can appreciate over my earlier years. Maybe a new struggle is on the horizon, and as depressing as that sounds, the fighter in me is eager to get started.

Posted: April 25th, 2017
Categories: Life
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I’m still alive

Haven’t posted in a while, which means my once a month streak posting on this blog has ended at almost 8 years. But I guess that tells you about how life is for me these days. I’m going to be honest, I’m feeling frustrated and I guess a little burnt out. I haven’t had much time to really withdraw to myself in a while, and I feel like a lot of things in my life are suffering because of it: my penchant for learning, my creative side and just my level of fatigue. I guess I take being an introvert to an extreme.

During this time I’ve decided to take a step back from the guitar for a bit. I’ve read that taking a break as a creative can be a good thing. I haven’t really stopped playing, but I’m not playing as much as I have been in the past. In a way it’s sort of liberating, having that stress of trying to find time to play removed and just focusing on other things that make me happy. So we’ll see how that goes.

Posted: July 31st, 2016
Categories: Life
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My Random

All I really want out of life is to engage in what I’m passionate about. Music and sports. My career to an extent. And trying to get better as a person, maybe a little wiser by the end of the day. Sometimes that comes at a price with the relationships I have, but I’ve sort of accepted that possibility. It’ll happen, and I guess going down this path you shouldn’t be afraid of that. But it’s dawning on me that I’m not a young man any more. I’m 29 now, but I still feel – and act – as if I’m 25. Things are changing too fast in this life right now, and I’m not sure what the future’s going to look for me.

Posted: May 15th, 2016
Categories: Late Night Blurbs, Life, Randomness
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Excuse the shit post

I knew this year was going to be a year of change – exciting change – but I don’t think I was prepared for the rapid pace in which everything would move.

Posted: April 30th, 2016
Categories: Life
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When you’ll hang your things and stay

It’s been a little over a month since I started my new job. A little crazy at first, but I think things are starting to settle down now, which is nice because it feels like I’m always on my feet and never really taking a break at all. And I’m not complaining. It’s what I wanted from what I consider to be an ideal job. I’m still looking for challenges in my life and not really ready to be comfortable just yet. But at the same time, I feel like I can stop flooring the gas pedal for a bit. Not exactly coast, but kind of just focus my energies on other things besides trying to fight it out. I think I got that out of my system, now it’s just time for me to shift gears and try to be better as a person. I’m just glad that I don’t have to worry about my career for a little while.

I guess this is my long winded way of saying, that I feel like I’m in a good place in my life again. Things seem to be working out. And if you asked me a year or two ago whether I would feel this way again, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here we are.

Posted: March 30th, 2016
Categories: Life
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Waiting on the day

Unlike years past, I spent my birthday pass with the woman instead. We had a wonderful dinner that she set up, followed by an interesting experience in an Escape Room, which was a first for both of us. We ended the night by indulging in one of her home made cakes that she made, and then fell asleep on the couch soon after. It’s been a strange birthday for me, unusual in of itself because the week leading up to it was surreal. I got an offer to work at a well established organization doing HR work, which only happened after my boss gave her blessing for me to move on – and also offering up a reference. I don’t remember a year where my birthday ended up being this good. But here we are. I feel like a life event like this deserves a more articulate post given the nature of what’s happened, but words sort of escape me in describing just how happy I am.

Posted: February 15th, 2016
Categories: Life
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2015

Much like the year before it, 2015 was a weird duck of a year for me. The only difference is from the start it began really well, got even better, then tailed off and sort of nose dived near the end. Now a month into the new year, I’m still not sure what’s going to happen. My work contract is coming up and things remain uncertain for now. I’m still trying to get back on track personally since I started school and – yikes – I’m going to be 29 in less than a week.

This past week hasn’t been the greatest. I was stressed out about work and heading into the weekend I tried to re-orient myself and figure out what I was going to do. But I think going to church today helped. I felt recharged, rejuvenated and ready to face the week ahead. There was a calm that came over me this afternoon, and while it doesn’t do anything for me in terms of the situation, it at least gave me perspective, that whatever happened things were going to be OK. When I look back at 2014, arguably the most tumultuous year of my life, and how I managed to get out of that alive, that yes, things will work out. Maybe not for a while, but that’s OK. In life, sometimes we have to accept that we gotta fight it out for a little while before we reach that point where we don’t have to anymore.

And I’m looking forward to that.

Posted: January 31st, 2016
Categories: Life
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11.58 Miles

After a frenzied 4 day Christmas long weekend, I spent the last 24 hours of it trying to catch my breath, most of it by myself. Not such a bad thing when you consider I’ve been out of the house for much of these last few days, so dedicating a day to being a loner was a very attractive plan today. One of the things I wanted to do was catch up on my running, which I haven’t done nearly as much as I wanted to since September.

It’s not very often I get to spend a great deal of time outdoors running these days. Work gets in the way of scheduling a run at a decent hour after work, and with the way things are going, I feel way too drained coming home to even mount a serious session like I used to. I’m not enjoying what I’m doing, and I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. I tell myself it’s a start, but it’s hard to stay grounded when several of my classmates seemed to have fast tracked their way into where I want to be career wise. I’ve been trying to find a new job for a while, and I’ve had a few interviews but nothing so far has stuck. I hope I find something.

I haven’t really been feeling myself lately. Again, maybe it’s the job thing (it’s an easy excuse to make), but I haven’t really been doing the same things I used to before I left my last job and went back to school. My running has suffered and so have my other hobbies. It just doesn’t feel the same.

But maybe my approach hasn’t been the best. Maybe I need to just suck it up for a bit longer and then see what’s out there. I know I’m not long for the job I’m doing any ways, so might as well make the best of it while I’m there, get some exposure to new things and gain some references while I’m at it. Don’t worry about everyone else. Spend my energy elsewhere, like trying to be a better dude. I know I’ve got work to do. I’m not the person that I want to be, but I feel like I’m getting there, and at my age I guess that’s a victory worth celebrating. I guess this is what they meant by fighting it out when you’re in your 20s.

I ran for a little over 2 hours late this evening. It’s amazing how much you can figure out about your life during that time.

Posted: December 28th, 2015
Categories: Randomness
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