Matt's Blog.

This is probably my last chance to write this up before I head off to Mexico until Labour Day. Seeing as though the last four months have been memorable for both the right and wrong reasons, I thought it was appropriate to reflect on what happened.

It’s been a summer.

I wrestled with whether not taking the extension from my co-op placement was a great idea, fought back frustration with people and wondered whether going back to school in the summer was going to be worth it.

Instead, I realized that going back to school and relaxing instead of working 9-5ish shifts 5 days a week was worth being poor. I got to go on weekend getaways, got better at the guitar, learned how to cook cool dishes – kinda – worked out, hung out with people I love and stayed up while everyone else had to get up and work the next morning. If  I took that extension, all the things I’ve done and learned would not have happened. I’m happy about my decision.

I also had to deal with people, issues that would have derailed my summer. I won’t get into it – personal – but those in the know know about it. Let’s just say that things were resolved, I got over some things and in the end something nice could potentially happen. I’m happy.

And school in the summer… didn’t really turn out that bad. I registered for an online course and spent one hour a week doing the readings, zombied my way through it all and ended up getting decent results. Score.

So this summer didn’t turn out as bad as I thought. I got lucky, was blessed and I feel better for it. I was busy every weekend being out and about, and spent time with friends and reviving relationships with people I hadn’t seen in some time.

And I will miss it all.

Everyone’s graduating and it seems like I’m going to be the last one to move on. I don’t know if the time is right. I’m always wondering if I’ll be able to find something after I graduate. That’s the biggest fear: not being able to find a job or a job that will lead me somewhere. I hear all the horror stories of guys just wandering listlessly through the workforce and not being able to find anything out there. I wanted something in government, but this whole life in the bureaucracy, is it really what I want to do now? Is there a future in that here or would I have to move east to find something? Maybe should I prep myself for a career in education to to fall back on. Teaching has been something I’ve been thinking about. It would mean another semester or two in school, but I could live with that.

I honestly thought something like this would have resolved itself a lot sooner, but I guess things change and my indecisiveness got the best of me. But in the mean time, I should make the best of what time I have left as a student… all I know is that I will definitely miss being one when it’s all over.

I’m having second thoughts about it.

Not taking that extension back in April was a risk. A big risk. One that had financial implications. While I’m not as broke as I like to exaggerate when discussing it, the future outlook of how much I’ve got to play around with for important things looks grim. I’ve also got to deal with going to school, something that I thought was going to be rather exciting, but after looking at the deadlines I’m looking at, I forgot how much school sucked.

I need a new job, the one I’m at is bringing me down and I guess it’s starting to show. I’m not as energetic about doing my work as I was a year ago. I’m not doing the best that I can do, and I’m not really being the kind of person that I expected people in the same role as I. It’s hypocritical I know. The only thing that’s keeping me going is that I still have the support of most of the managers there. If people still rely on me, I guess that should count for something. Also the fact that finding a job is hard.

On the plus side, maybe not taking that extension was a good thing.

I’ve spent more time with friends than I did when I was still holding down a 8-4 job in addition to a closing shift at Scotia. I’ve got some resemblance of a life now. I’ve got time. Never did I realize how precious time is. Now I treasure it whenever I can.

Things maybe aren’t all bad. But the whole job hunting thing still sucks. Oh and school sucks too. Can’t forget that either.

What happened to forgetting about it
What happened to not letting it bother me at all
What happened to being happy that the feeling is there at all
What happened to just living…

I don’t want to go back.

Yellowcard – Down On My Head

I can’t sleep.

I used to be able to rest my head and pass out instantly since January, but lately I’ve been lying in bed trying to clear everything out of my head and just trying to get some rest. I kid you not, once a night owl always a night owl.

I guess there’s just too much thinking going on lately. I’m terrible at making decisions and stressing out about it. I’ve got until the end of the month to finalize my travel plans, assess my options for a potential school term in the summer and just hope I have enough time to do everything I want before the fall. I also think too much about people… how they are, what they’re thinking of right now, and are they thinking about me or ‘am I just wasting my time.’

Here’s hoping I fall asleep within the next half hour or else I’m looking at an awesome day at work in the morning.

I took the long way home from work tonight. There’s something awesome about just driving along the streets at night that just makes it easier to think clearly for once. With all the things that go on in life, I just need to be in a place where I can just think and not worry about what’s going on in front of me.

In this case, sort of.

Tonight’s drive made me think about the future and what I need to do, because I’ve got so many decisions to make for the summer. Do I partake in a spiritual journey to Fiji for a month? Do I hit up California with the old boys and geek out at Comic con? Or do I sacrifice it all just so I can make a few more extra dollars by doing a second term of co-op? It’s just one of those things that make you wish you had it all, but in the end one has to give. I’m almost graduating from school – scary thought – and I just feel like this is going to be my last chance at doing something incredible before I go off into the so called ‘real world’ – what is that really?

I want to go somewhere that will allow me to better myself spiritually, connect with my God and maybe make an impact on people I have yet to meet. I want to have fun with friends and enjoy whatever is left of my youth. I want to make money and be sure that when I finally realize this ‘real world’ I’ll be able to approach it head on without worrying about putting food on the table. Maybe I’m just making this summer to be something that it really isn’t, but I realize that this might truly be the last true summer I’ll ever have.

I’ll look back on what I wrote tonight and regret everything, because I’m in a state of fatigue – and I should never be writing when I’m completely spaced out. But even if nothing was resolved tonight, at least I got to enjoy some time to myself and for once, not caring about the moment.

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone – not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
…

–The Fray ‘Happiness’

In the current predicament I face right now, it’s made me think about things. Like, despite what I’ve said before, I’ve realized that this chase is the only thing that gives me a purpose. A purpose to wake up and endure, to keep going, to pursue what really matters to me. To think that this might soon be over not only frightens but also depresses me.

But you keep going, and I’ll keep running after you. And when you stop, I hope it means you’re turning around and coming to me.

Jamming at 4 in the morning, not caring what comes out or how out of it I am. That paper I was supposed to do, it can wait.

When the six string has been laid down for the night, these two broken speakers in front of me increase in mileage after every song. My sub-woofer is broken and I am poor. But that’s OK, at least I have my tunes.

Is there anything more beautiful? Now for bed.