Matt's Blog.

Things that are on my mind right now:

• From what I’m seeing on the twitter feed, the city feels royally bummed out about tonight’s latest debacle. In the past I would be too, but this year I’m feeling pretty numb. I think the loss to Calgary during the 2004 playoffs was the last time I was emotionally connected with the team. After that, I just started to gradually not care. But, on the plus side, my main man Shane O’Brien scored a goal tonight. Mike Gillis, re-sign this man please.
• I don’t like making public very private things, but I will say this: it’s hard not caring, or even pretending not to. In the end I guess I still do care.
• School starts tomorrow and I’m not ready. Even though I’m officially only taking one course and on the wait list for another, it seems like I really need to cut down on the things I have planned for the summer.
• Graduation… how’s that going to work out?
• I can’t wait for Portland. As much as I love Vancouver, I need to get out of this city.
• This summer I will learn ‘Doesn’t Remind Me’ by Audioslave. That song has been bothering me for a long time now. It needs to be learned, but darn it tremelo picking is hard.
• The Fray never get old. Listen to ‘Uncertainty.’ Lovely song.

I’m out.

I was offered an extension for co-op yesterday. The decision came suddenly and I was only given until 9 AM today to decide whether I was going to continue working for the agency or go my separate way. I can’t really say that I thought it through, due to the amount of time they gave me to make up my mind, but after thinking it over I eventually declined the offer. When the initial wave of extensions being offered to some of the co-ops went out and I wasn’t one of them, I was resounded to the fact that I wasn’t coming back and that there wasn’t going to be a second chance for me. I looked at what I was going to do from now until the end of the year and thought maybe, just maybe this might turn out OK. Enrolling in classes as a part time student during the summer might give me some time and space to actually take up things that I wanted to do. I said the same thing when I knew I was going into co-op. You’d think that no exams and papers would be somewhat of a bonus, since not worrying about those things would give you so much time to do whatever you wanted. For me, coming home exhausted and working a shift a week at the theater in retrospect took away all the personal time I had.

I’m a guy who believes in faith. It comes from being spiritual and believing in God who can guide us through tough decisions. I’ve never had to make a tough decision in a long time. Most of those decisions were being made for me by outside factors that I couldn’t control, like not being accepted into co-op the first time around for the fall semester – which actually turned out really well going to school instead. This time around, I thought it was going to be the same clear-cut choice: God did not intend for me to stick around the office, he wanted me out and there wasn’t going to be any say in the matter. I was fine with that. In fact, I was glad the choice was made for me.

So for me to out of the blue be offered an extension came as something that gave me mixed signals. All of  a sudden there was an actual choice that needed to be made and I eventually made it. Did I do the right thing today? Or should I have accepted the offer? God wasn’t going to make the decision for me this time, not like the last.

As the day comes to a close, I’m starting to feel a little at peace with what I decided. This whole time I actually missed school and being a part of the whole campus vibe thing. I missed my 9 hours of sleep. I missed being around people I used to hang out with a lot before I got a taste of the ‘real world’. With potentially more time on my hand, I could pursue more things, hit up Portland and possibly Tofino with the homies as well as the Losers at Cultus Lake. The only reason why I would ever go for another term sitting on my butt the entire day answering the same thing over and over would be for the money. I remember Carrie mentioning this on one of my past posts: I’ve got the rest of my life to make money. And it’s true. Right now, I just want to enjoy being young and stupid.

So I’m going to bed, excited at the thought that I’ll be collecting my last paycheck next Wednesday and enjoying a two week break before I get back to school. Goodness knows I haven’t had a solid night of sleep in a very long time. And I’ll be looking forward to that once this is all done.

I don’t really know if this is considered a ‘late night blurb’ when I’m writing this at 6 in the morning.

Things are going well. It’s going slow but steady and I’ve been feeling happy these last few weeks – which is apparent. I don’t think I’ve felt this way since… I don’t remember.

But there’s this element of dread around the corner, like it’s going to end real soon.

I’m not going to be back in school next semester, I’ll be out experiencing what’s it’s like having a  life like the average Joe for four months – maybe more – when I’m done with school. It’s scary because the reason why I’ve been feeling this way has been the time afforded me by being at school to do things I should have done years ago. No matter how things go at school – I don’t even know what’s going on in any of my classes – this has been some amazing months for me, and I fear that it will end in the new year. That’s real soon. I hate that idea, but I pray that whatever is going on now will last a long long time.

A little confusing? It should be. I need to wake up in an hour. Ring ring ring.

Random musings at 3:13 AM:

I haven’t been sleeping  at normal hours these days – something that has been going on for a long long time. I blame all these theater closing shifts and my odd school schedule for doing this. It sucks, because I’m always taking naps during the day but at this hour I’m wide awake bored. I guess a cure for that would be to hang more with the newly-christened ‘Cineplex Losers.’

It’s currently week six in school and so far I haven’t really gotten into ‘the mood’ lately when it comes to digging into the material. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of the lack of engagement in the classes, or the fact that my distant education class is just… distant. It’s a really weird semester, and I figure it won’t be the last.

I’m looking forward to jamming more these days – see previous post. I don’t know what kick started the whole change in attitude, maybe because I don’t want to embarrass myself when I start going to the jam sessions at the guitar club at school. I really missed the old high school days where the old band would kick around tunes and we’d spend afternoons bangin’ while getting distracted playing Halo 2.

I also joined a community volunteer club called the ‘Love Your Neighbor Club,’ something that’s also pretty exciting. I think it’ll be cool.

One last thing: my subscription to World of Warcraft expired tonight. Surprised? The reason was simple: there was no time at all to dedicate the amount I needed in order to succeed in that game. With the delicate juggling act of school, work and socializing with my fellow humans, it was impossible to accommodate what pretty much was a hobby that required way too much work to maintain with minimal returns in the end. I’m looking around at some of the top players in that game, and I figure the only way you’re going to advance and be amongst the elite is to have a crap load of time,  be willing to restructure your weekly schedule to accommodate your group activities, and a tolerance for a community that encourages being jerks to each other. No thanks.

Oh, and Matt needs a new cardigan and/or scarf. Please link cool clothes so I may buy and look cool in front of chicks and make lame dudes jealous when I walk by.

Week one of school has already come and gone and already I’m feeling the pinch. I’ve got a massive 4000 word essay due at the end of October, I actually have to keep up with my readings for this distance education class I’m taking and finally this… policy analysis class I’m taking – while vital towards my career goals – is recipe for disaster. I don’t want to work, but I want the cheese that comes with it, you dig? Everything feels the same still: I’m going to bed at 3 in the morning, I’m waking up later and later and in terms of productivity, it’s non-existent.

Honestly, I’m kinda bummed that I’m starting school this semester. I felt that I had a legitimate shot at starting co-op this fall, but things just didn’t go my way. I don’t understand why – due to the lack of feedback I got on everything – but I guess that’s the way things roll.

On the bright side, I guess it gives me an opportunity to do things on campus that I’ve been reluctant to do for the past four years now: join and actually participate in a club, be a little more social, volunteer and…

Anyways.

I was jamming with my man Henry two days ago. We haven’t jammed together since first year. Quite a revealing session, as I realized how much inspiration was lost along the way when it came to actually trying to create something out of nothing musically. I had a notebook with riffs I wanted to use and build on, but one day it just stopped. These days, the fire to do something is burning brightly these days – more so than in previous years – but in this crazy time I live in, where deadlines and lowly distractions are all I know, it’s hard to find that time out of my day to actually focus and create something nice.

But if anything, what occured on Monday told me one thing: the drive is still there, no matter how crappy I am with this guitar. Aw right.

I’ve got a co-op job interview at 11 AM tomorrow, so I probably should go to sleep soon. Not that I’d get the job – as cool as being an assistant researcher to a First Nations senior negotiator sounds – but having to relocate to some middle of nowhere town in the interior isn’t my idea of awesome. But then again, I really need to get out of this sheltered life. Plus, it’s not like the job offers are piling in from every direction, I might as well take whatever I can get when they come.

Summer. I guess I should have saw it coming, but so far these past four months have not been the most productive. What happened to jogging everyday? Learning that pissing lick from that song by Audioslave? Working less? Hanging out with friends more?

I got lazy as fuck. I never really got back any of the energy that I lost when I was busting my nut trying to get my papers in on time in April. I’ve got dragonboating still, but it seems as if I just don’t have the same git that I did last year. Maybe not hitting the gym during the off season really bit me in the ass.

The guitar… I don’t know. I’ve been in denial about it for years but it seems like I’m just starting to lose interest in it slowly. I want new shit, but I guess I’m trying to find inspiration and motivation through the wrong avenue. Maybe I need to jam more, or maybe I just need to pick up my acoustic and go from there. Maybe the whole electric guitar phase has gone.

Work tends to send me into guilt trips about not working as much as they want to, though with the million or so people that got hired recently I’m guessing they won’t press me for a more available schedule.

But at least I’ve got the Blink 182 concert to look forward to this week. I still can’t believe it, it’s been almost 4 years since they went on ‘haitus’ and now they’re back together. Hopefully it’ll make me happy. We’re talking about the reformation of childhood heroes here.

That’s all I’ve got for today. Toodles.

Doing this co-op job search as me kicking myself over and over again. I wish I was 19 again and instead of taking all these shit courses in school, I took stuff that would actually gear me for something outside of school. Heck I wish I even paid more attention in some of the classes I took. I think it’s fine and dandy that I can identify the symbolism behind the usage of mice, cats and dogs in Art Spiegelman’s Maus or that I can tell you some of the territories – or was it provinces? – that Australia has. But after looking at some of the requirements and the nature of the jobs posted so far, it seems as if I’m not getting an immediate return on my education so far. It’s either that or the right job hasn’t shown itself yet. Thank God I have six more classes to learn as much about the outside world as I possibly can.

And this latest piece of news is just outrageous. Archie choosing the spoiled vixen Veronica Lodge over the sweet girl next door Betty Cooper?? Sorry but there is something wrong with this. But I also wonder how this proposal will work from now on, as the whole premise of the Archie comics was the struggle between Veronica and Betty.

Don’t worry Betty, you still have Brown Rug.

OK, maybe the title isn’t such an obvious reference, but kudos if you can figure it out.

I’m eating my first meal since this morning, which was a half a bowl of rice so my stomach is hurting yet experiencing great joy at the idea of food down coming down the hatch.

I probably fucked up my final, botched my take home final and made a gazillion grammatical mistakes on my term paper thanks to a 5 minute proof read.

But I don’t give two shits about it right now.

This ends perhaps the most stress ridden semester I’ve ever had. I manage to say that after every completed semester for the past four years, but when you’ve got deadlines on the same day more than once you know your lucky stars have diverged into fuck knows where. I’m tired, whiny, bitchy and all I want to do now is just vegetate and not read or learn about anything new. I’m having problems articulating my thoughts right now because my head is just fucked – hence my eloquence so far. I want to sleep until 2 in the afternoon tonight, I don’t want to wake up to an alarm clock set to some brown music – I thought I set my alarm to the news station. In the end it was a beautiful accident – and most importantly, I don’t want to give a fuck.

My copy of World of Warcraft finished installing. Yes, that’s right, I’m going right back into it again. Hopefully not as obsessively as last summer. I’m outs.

Anyone have $1245 I can borrow?

More from HAVEN.ca

M65 Jackets look pretty dope too – not the one linked, I hate the logo on the side – but they have nothing to protect me from the rain.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, but not much has happened since my last post. Stressing the fuck out, completely shut in at home and at school, 4-5 hour nights, etc… the usual mad dash to the final days of the semester. Posting randomly here seems like the only respite I have these days.

I’ve got this unopened box for the game World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King sitting right next to me. It’s been there since November when I stood in line until midnight waiting for this thing. My whole plan of reselling it for a substantial profit pretty much failed, so now once school is over I’m thinking about putting some work into it. Harmless activity or poor life choice?

Oh and I was locked up in my basement for a couple of hours today. Fun times.

Foolishly, I drank an energy drink at 9 this evening so I’m a little buzzed, a little anxious right now. I’ll spit something out before I crash for the night.

I like talking about school. You may not like reading about school. That is fine, because me neither. We share a bond in regards to how such an evil place like that can cause so much inconvenience in our lives. I can already tell that I will not enjoy this entry as much as the others, nor would I think this is something I’d be particularly proud of. But I fucking hate the place. Maybe it’s because I’m actually caring about my grades this semester and things aren’t going so well in that regard, or maybe it’s because I’m lost in the crowd, my friends are either not there when I’m there and the loneliness is killing me.

Yeah, it’s going to be one of those posts.

I started thinking about graduation a few days ago, wondering when I’d get the fuck out of that place. Everywhere I go my friends seem like they’re nearing graduation already. On the flip side, some of my other friends are entering college life for the first time, and the idea of me graduating with them when all is said and done is scary, because I never envisioned I’d spend such a substantial part of my youth in school. Shit, if you’d ask me four years ago, I’d thought this semester was my last.

But at the same time, all that bullshit that they told you about college, how when you left high school it was the real world for us. We’d be eaten alive, the merciless would prey on us and upon leaving the vault it was nothing more than a wasteland – didn’t understand that? It was a Fallout reference.

Anyways.

It was supposed to be a dog eat dog world out there. It isn’t. In a way, I’m still being kept on a leash, kept back from certain realities. My profs, even though it’s scaled back dramatically, still baby me. It’s ironic, how a place that’s caused me so much grief is what’s keeping me back from what I would hate even more. I guess I’m scared. Or maybe I just need that summer vacation to come sooner rather than later.

I saw the gnarliest bag this evening. It’s something that I’ll never buy because I see it more as a novelty than anything. Parading around town with this thing, I don’t know what people would think about me. Plus it looks a little awkward, but I’m sure with the price you’re supposedly paying for this thing it should at least fulfill some of that requirement. But regardless, it’s dope I tell you.

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