It’s 4:07 AM, and I have a presentation due in a couple of hours. I’m looking over the things that I’ve written down as part of my presentation notes and it’s clear to anyone educated in the area of global political economy that I have no clue what I’m talking about, nor is there any structure to any of the madness I’ve tried to articulate in what will potentially be a disastrous morning. To compound the problems that will be coming up in the next couple of days is the fact that I’ve got a paper due on Monday that so far makes no sense and a midterm on Wednesday for a class that I’ve so far slept through. I should be stressed out, acting completely neurotic and out of my mind right now.
But I’m not.
I’m happy. I can’t explain why, but let’s just say the little things in life, when added up make all my troubles go away. I don’t even care if I crash and burn this morning. My TA can suck it. I just want to enjoy what I’ve got, dream a little and hope things continue to go well.
I should probably go to bed now. I write crudely whenever I’m tired.
What is terribly unfair about High Snobiety is the fact that they tease you with exquisite garments made for kings only to inform you that you must be in Asia or Europe to obtain them. Either that or be in a financial situation where life would become meaningless.
Also earlier this week, I found out what a stole was. I now want one so I can continue to provoke my dad into telling me I look British or European – which happened after getting this. Yes!
I guess it’s just a cycle. You feel good about yourself one day, looking in the mirror going ‘who’s that funky dude looking right back at me?’ Then the next day you realize you’re alone, things weren’t as they seemed and hope is just somehow not there anymore. Did I mess up along the way? Am I that lame? Should I talk about it? It’ll probably make me feel better, but I don’t know, it’s hard to find a dance partner this late. Maybe I should give up. Maybe the race is won and I lost. Thinking about it is the reason why these days I’m up all night.
Then all of a sudden, I’m happy again. I go back to wondering who that funky dude is in the mirror when I wake up and I live life. I don’t know when, and I won’t know why. It’s just part of the cycle.
Maybe I’m just reacting like this from a lack of sleep or from what I thought was a crappy day at work. Maybe it’s because school is giving me such a head ache I feel like pulling a Dave Chapelle. Or maybe all this combined into a 24 period of time is just making me go nuts right now at 2:20 AM in the morning.
I hate the chase. I just don’t get a kick out of it like some guys do. I’ve gone in circles, up hills and fallen down them. I’ve chased cars only to never catch up to them. Ever since I’ve been going through this roller coaster I’ve always went back to that one song that makes me rethink whether any of this is worth my time or if it will end the way I want it to.
Maybe I’m just over-analyzing things. I can’t help it, it’s what I do.
I was a weird kid back in the day. Proof of this is in the archived blog posts I posted on Xanga, 90% of which was written when I was still in high school. Reading them now, I never realized how emo, in love, confused and lame I was back then. Most of it was funny, in how I managed to abuse the thesaurus a lot in order to pass off as looking smart and eloquent. Reading that stuff and reading what I write now, I don’t mind the crudeness of what I do now anymore as long as I actually understand the words I write down. That’s good enough for me.
Anyways, during my brief stint into nostalgia, one question I had that I now raise to all you important people out there: can someone tell me why I would say the phrase ‘You’re so fish!’ a lot? Furthermore, what does ‘fish’ even mean in that context? I really want to know. Reviving old slang that sounds funny is always fun… unless it means something that’s just wrong.
I haven’t been sleeping at normal hours these days – something that has been going on for a long long time. I blame all these theater closing shifts and my odd school schedule for doing this. It sucks, because I’m always taking naps during the day but at this hour I’m wide awake bored. I guess a cure for that would be to hang more with the newly-christened ‘Cineplex Losers.’
It’s currently week six in school and so far I haven’t really gotten into ‘the mood’ lately when it comes to digging into the material. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of the lack of engagement in the classes, or the fact that my distant education class is just… distant. It’s a really weird semester, and I figure it won’t be the last.
I’m looking forward to jamming more these days – see previous post. I don’t know what kick started the whole change in attitude, maybe because I don’t want to embarrass myself when I start going to the jam sessions at the guitar club at school. I really missed the old high school days where the old band would kick around tunes and we’d spend afternoons bangin’ while getting distracted playing Halo 2.
I also joined a community volunteer club called the ‘Love Your Neighbor Club,’ something that’s also pretty exciting. I think it’ll be cool.
One last thing: my subscription to World of Warcraft expired tonight. Surprised? The reason was simple: there was no time at all to dedicate the amount I needed in order to succeed in that game. With the delicate juggling act of school, work and socializing with my fellow humans, it was impossible to accommodate what pretty much was a hobby that required way too much work to maintain with minimal returns in the end. I’m looking around at some of the top players in that game, and I figure the only way you’re going to advance and be amongst the elite is to have a crap load of time, be willing to restructure your weekly schedule to accommodate your group activities, and a tolerance for a community that encourages being jerks to each other. No thanks.
Oh, and Matt needs a new cardigan and/or scarf. Please link cool clothes so I may buy and look cool in front of chicks and make lame dudes jealous when I walk by.
I’ve been itching for a new guitar recently. Yes another guitar, except for one thing: it’s an acoustic. I checked the bank account and it seems like I’ve got enough to run out and get one now. However it’s just a matter of getting the parents to buy into yet another costly investment – despite using my own money – in an already long line of frivolous expenditures I’ve pursued this year. Please don’t get me started.
I’ve started to pick up the guitar again, and I’m hoping this time it’s for longer than a week. I figure if my crude writing ability can’t get it done in terms of expressing myself personally like it did long ago, then saying nothing and playing something might work out better.
In the mean time, I’ll try to figure out exactly how Ben Gibbard makes that percussive sound in “I Will Follow You Into the Dark.”