News for January 2011
I can’t wait
Explosions off in the distance
Never before have I been this scared entering a new year until now.
I quit my job that I’ve had for 3.5 years. I could have stayed for a little while longer but in the end I didn’t feel happy working there anymore, despite some awesome people that I had a chance to work with. What kept me from leaving earlier was that I was afraid of leaving that security blanket of having some income come my way. When the money stops, it gets scary. I’ll be moving into my co-op placement tomorrow, though unfortunately it will only be a temporary venture, so I’ll be unemployed after my term is done. But I think I’ve made my peace with that realization. It’s going to be sketchy, but at the same time I figure now is a good time to do everything I wanted to do without having the obligation of a job hanging over me.
I’ve decided that this is the year I’ll be graduating. No more putting it off for another year, no more screwing around. Walking around campus this past semester made me feel old and put me in an strange position hanging around freshmen. They would go on about pooping out on midterms from classes I took four years ago, joining clubs and events that I’ve never heard of or missed out on in the past, and other first or second year drama. Conversing with them sometimes depressed me. I’d look around campus and see none of my friends around anymore, they have all gone off to begin their careers while I’m still eating hamburgers and fries alone in the cafeteria at Triple O’s. If this loneliness and social awkwardness tells me anything, it’s that I need to move on. There’s still things I wish I could have done during my time in school but I think I’ve milked this cow long enough. And despite missing out on things I wanted to do, I’m not feeling a whole lot of regret here.
At this point, I should have probably figured out what I wanted to do with my life. You would think 5-6 years is a lot of time to decide. At this point I’m not even sure anymore. I’ve changed my mind so many times when it comes to a career. I thought about being a teacher, but I’m not even sure if the amount of time I have right now until the end of my last semester during the summer will give me the necessary amount of volunteer hours to get into a teaching program. Then there’s graduate studies in business, but the math and statistics requirement scares me. It looks lofty for a numbers retard like me. If all these paths close on me, then I have nothing else but to find a job with what I’ve got. If being in a social science program has taught me anything, only the bright and experienced get into the big research and government institutes. The rest enter fields that have nothing to do with their degrees. And I guess that’s what scares me about my major: there isn’t a specific skill that I’ve learned that’s in such high demand right now. I heard a story of someone I knew where he went jobless for a year before he finally landed something. I don’t want that to happen.
I guess there’s still some things to be optimistic about 2011. I entered 2010 with a lot hanging over me emotionally, which resulted in late nights and tired mornings at work. I don’t think I’ll have that problem anymore. My conscious is clear and for the first time in a long time I feel ready to face the challenges that I’ve foreseen rather than run away from them.
I’m still scared, but I guess that’s something I’m content with for now.