I find myself in an unfortunate situation.
Last night I had one of those moments where I realized that I may have made a terrible mistake, and as a result I went to bed bitter and angry. Which is never good, because I barely had any sleep and my shitty mood carried over into the next day, where a combination of fatigue and irritability made for a pleasant combination at work. So here I am late at night, unable to sleep due to a foolish decision to nap at 8:30 in the evening thinking about someone that I said no to. That the only reason why this hypothetical what if in my head is because I haven’t totally shut her out of my life. That jealousy can slowly kill you inside, and that stewing about it for the second night in a row is all you can do as you think up of all the things she might be doing right now without you.
Posted: January 30th, 2013
Categories: Late Night Blurbs
Comments: No Comments
I’d like to forget about 2012.
It was the worst stretch of my life that went on for way too long, beginning with heartbreak, a long period of unemployment and listlessness that had me thinking there was no way I was going to get out of his hole. That feeling useless and desperate was somehow normal, that living the way I was for the first half of the year was going to be what I was looking forward to for God knows how long. During that stretch, there was way too much going on emotionally, personally and professionally that interfered with how I wanted to live my life. I knew things were going to be hard in 2012, but you’re never really prepared for such a prolonged period of joblessness, and you certainly can never be prepared to suffer through heartbreak. I don’t care who you are, that’s something that will make you sick to your stomach for a long time. And it got in the way of a lot of things that I was supposed to do. For four fucking months I was torn to pieces after being shredded emotionally by someone.
But the year ended with some hope, with something to look forward to going into the new year. With a stroke of luck I was employed thanks to a friend, my confidence was restored and I’d like to think that things are on the upswing for me right now. Even though 2012 was a crisis, I learned a few things. I learned how to persevere. To not cut myself short for anybody, that there is someone out there that thinks you’re worth something. That there are worst things in life than a shitty job, because I think we all want to have some sort of stability in our lives, and we don’t truly appreciate that until we don’t have it anymore.
As a result, I don’t give two shits about anyone who complains about their job. I’ve been on the other side of that, I’ve talked to people who are still toiling over there, who’ve had it worse than me. Who are still looking after all this time. Who need a fucking chance. Those are the people that deserve my empathy. For what it’s worth.
So here’s to the new year. I hope it treats me – and you – better than its predecessor. And I hope to God that I won’t go through that ever again.
‘So this is the new year.’
(I’m tired, I hope this all makes sense in the morning.)